Guilt in the Disparity

Having never been a guilt-ridden person, I'm finding motherhood to be just the thing to teach me about it. It seems to be a common feeling among mothers and I'm beginning to understand it. There's what you want to do, be, plan, prepare, or have for your children and there's what you are able to do, be, plan, prepare, or have for them. When those two things line up, guilt wanes. When the real and the ideal don't match, guilt prevails. For example, yesterday I wanted to hold and cuddle my newborn to sleep (or to sleepiness if I'm trying to be by the book about it), but instead she cried in her bassinet while I made sure the toddler didn't use the dry-erase marker on anything but its intended book. I stepped in frequently to put the pacifier in and give her bassinet a rock, but I know it took her much longer to go to sleep than it would have in my arms. Alternatively, I have attempted holding her as she goes off to sleep, but the tune of first whining, isn't the lullaby that puts her to sleep. However, today, husband was off work and I spent the day absolving the week's guilt by holding her for most of it, while he played with and cared for our first born. It was a beautiful day. It was notably in His presence, though I know His presence in the off days, too. And, the thing is, I know guilt is a trap that I don't want to succumb to, therefore, I'm trying to analyze and uproot it early in my mothering career, long before my teenage daughter's can willfully manipulate me into it! For I know if I find my confidence now, I can face the things they throw at me then, offering them the security that they'll be seeking as they test me. I also know that God is my help. As I've cried out to Him this week, He has shown up. I'll write about it in the next post.