God smiled

"When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder,
my words became daylong groans.
The pressure never let up;
all the juices of my life dried up.

Then I let it all out.....Suddenly the pressure was gone-
my guilt dissolved....."
Psalm 32:3-5 (Message version)

When my husband got home monday night I could not
stop talking about what a fabulous day I'd had! Not only
had real met ideal, but we'd been productive, too! The
girls and I started the morning purchasing our new-to-us
pram, taking Daddy to work, and then heading to the mall
for portraits. We spent the whole morning at the mall,
grocery shopping, post-officing, getting newborn's passport
photos, and browsing at Baby Factory and the Two dollar
shop. I was able to do two breastfeeds and nappy changes
while we were there: one with first born playing happily
on the McDoo playground and one in the parents' lounge
while she watched a Bob the Builder video and had a snack
in her pram. It was excellent. Newborn even got some sleeps
and some settled awake time in. Once home, naps went off
without a hitch, miraculously. Mealtime was favorable with
first born accepting her lot and even spending another twenty
minutes in the highchair coloring while I did newborn's last
Daddy-free feed. During newborn's afternoon nap, I managed to
prepare dinner, which simmered while husband and I got
both girls and myself bathed! He and I had a lovely parents-only
dinner and a movie before newborn's late-night feed followed by
her sleeping 5 hours! I must say I knew God's presence that day,
too, and am grateful for it. Haven't had one that smooth since, but
nice to know its possible! I included the above verse because
it was from our pastor's sermon Sunday and I think its the "Theme
Verse" for this blog. So cool how God speaks so pointedly to our
situations.

Not from Mountains

"I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains?
No, my strength comes from God,
who made heaven, and earth, and mountains."
Psalm 121:1-2

I've found that when I have moments of utter chaos in the day, it usually means I will have moments of great peace. After crying out to God for help, for instance, when my newborn was crying mercilessly while I attended to first born's lunch, she shortly went off to sleep, followed by toddler taking an early nap. It is a rarity to have a nice long stretch when they're both asleep and I treasure it, debating how I should divvy the time. But, God has been so generous this week, answering my prayer with the above verse, letting me know that not only would He provide these moments of peace, but that He would deliver some actual help if I looked to Him.

So, two days last week, when I turned to Him, He made good on His promise. I'd been contemplating whether or not to go to playgroup. It's such good fun for toddler, but so frustrating for me as I try to breastfeed one while warding off potential disasters with the other (ie falling off play gym, tipping over paint easels, eating glue). I decided to go with the intent of branching out to make some other-mother friends rather than just letting it be my first-born's fun. An instant came, when I looked on helplessly, hands tied as first born tried to get onto a push car. I'd have loved to give her a little assist, but could only call from the sideline and hope she could do it. Then, my help came. A little girl, nine years old, approached and picked her up, putting her right onto the car. She proceeded to push her around and then followed her the entire morning helping her with this and that. I nearly shed a tear. Her older sister joined in, too, begging me to push the pram to get newborn off to sleep, allowing me the chance to make the craft with first born. Beautiful.

Another day, I had one feed to go before husband got home and had already used the alloted max one video per day as an entertaining distraction. So, we headed to McDoo's very child-friendly play ground. Although I feel pretty free to let firstborn run around on it, there are a couple of spots I'd prefer to assist her. Again, hands tied with newborn breastfeeding, I looked on, hoping she'd be okay, when my help came. Two little girls took her by each hand and walked her up the steps, had her wave to me from the dome, and caught her at the bottom of the slide. It was so perfect and clearly sent from God. I was even free to stare into newborn's eyes and exchange loving coos. Two days, two little angels. Thank you, Lord.

Guilt in the Disparity

Having never been a guilt-ridden person, I'm finding motherhood to be just the thing to teach me about it. It seems to be a common feeling among mothers and I'm beginning to understand it. There's what you want to do, be, plan, prepare, or have for your children and there's what you are able to do, be, plan, prepare, or have for them. When those two things line up, guilt wanes. When the real and the ideal don't match, guilt prevails. For example, yesterday I wanted to hold and cuddle my newborn to sleep (or to sleepiness if I'm trying to be by the book about it), but instead she cried in her bassinet while I made sure the toddler didn't use the dry-erase marker on anything but its intended book. I stepped in frequently to put the pacifier in and give her bassinet a rock, but I know it took her much longer to go to sleep than it would have in my arms. Alternatively, I have attempted holding her as she goes off to sleep, but the tune of first whining, isn't the lullaby that puts her to sleep. However, today, husband was off work and I spent the day absolving the week's guilt by holding her for most of it, while he played with and cared for our first born. It was a beautiful day. It was notably in His presence, though I know His presence in the off days, too. And, the thing is, I know guilt is a trap that I don't want to succumb to, therefore, I'm trying to analyze and uproot it early in my mothering career, long before my teenage daughter's can willfully manipulate me into it! For I know if I find my confidence now, I can face the things they throw at me then, offering them the security that they'll be seeking as they test me. I also know that God is my help. As I've cried out to Him this week, He has shown up. I'll write about it in the next post.

A Day in the Life

This is my day:
Awake 7am: first born's whimpering in her room
nudge husband to request he feed her breakfast
breath a sigh of relief, newborn's still asleep,
maybe I'll catch another wink or two
pitter patter, pitter patter
rat, tat, tat
and my bedroom door flings wide
first born's inside and now newborn's eyes see light
cry, cry, cry
one for food, one for a bad mood
brought on by the sight of mummy
breastfeeding little creature who's invaded her home,
stolen her attention, and cries all the time
but then, she creeps into the bed and plants a gentle kiss on her head
just before insisting I come to breakfast
Coffee, my key to survival these days,
paired with french vanilla coffeemate, husband's mom sent from the States
received with an abundance of thanks
I eat a bowl of Cocoa Crispix hidden behind the healthier version
husband has mixed with yoghurt for little one
She definitely has her opinions already
and clearly notices as I'm up and down
from the table to tend to a twilighting baby
Husband departs on his "ba ba ba" (bicycle)
with affectionate daughter waving from window
I attack her with cuddles to counter her crankiness...
it works
we play for the morning and I only have to battle about
crayons and where they're meant to color
and how much soap to use in the bath.
Six newborn nappies and one, well, bath-invoking toddler one later,
time for another feed
my fatigue allows me to succumb to using a video to distract first born
from taking envious notice.
Decided to go through photos to remind her
that she used to sleep with momma and drink my milk-
may have been confusing, but she liked the pics.
Folded clothes, read a book, and put first born in bed
while enduring newborn cries until I could get her down.
Feed, consider sleep or clean stinky kitchen or
pick up cluttered lounge, or essential online shopping, or overseas
newborn paperwork, or putting clothes away, or emailing apology
to husband for previous nights crankiness
or......
Sleep wins, but decide I must write this instead
because lines are rolling through my head,
though eyes are achy.
Lie here hoping newborn won't awaken just yet
She doesn't, thankfully
and I do get to sleep, praise God
Dreamed I left newborn at home when I went to a friend's....
panicked, awoke just in time for guests to arrive,
fed newborn, let them in, then....
the poo again
only worse this time, the worst of my life!
walked into first born's room to see
she's sitting in bed, in a puddle of poo, casually reading her book
She reaches to me with soiled hand
I do believe nappy caught NOTHING somehow
Apologize to friends as I upend
an entire package of wipes on my daughter's behind, while hearing newborn's
cries from my friend's arms
then toddler's turn to cry as I soak her in shower,
she's upset because she hasn't yet gotten to greet our friends, yet
I throw poo-laden linens into laundry
and race around trying to be hospitable
First born spends playdate naked
Newborn sleeps through it
I'm impressed by toddler's willingness to share her toys,
though friend prefers not to
I'm also proud of her for sitting throughout most of her snack,
though she pesters friend for her cup the entire time.
Dinner-time, frozen blueberries buy me enough time
to feed newborn, though I contemplate another bath for toddler at its end
Down from highchair and she's decided its time
to go outside, but I'm looking at the house thinking that's impossible.
We dance and pickup instead.
DADDY'S HOME!
Just in time, he takes her for a walk
and I do another newborn feed....I enjoy her smile.
They're back and they had fun.
Pajamas, milk, and a book routine....
her linens aren't ready, so we make do
I try to brush her teeth, but she refuses
I'm relieved she's been a late teether and
she goes to bed easily.
Thankfully, our visitors brought a meal and husband
and I enjoy it as I run back and forth to the bedroom
as I did at breakfast, tending to you-know-who,
replacing long-debated pacifier, but looks like
she wants another feed anyway.
Quickly clean up, update laundry
Popcorn and drinks,
watch a movie with newborn in arms and my legs
in husband's lap.
Its nice.
Try a dream-feed, but its too early
My head's aching by now, but I step in to
tuck first born in and glad I did because I'd left
guard-rail down and almost burned the house down
by having her self-timed heater up against her bed
Get in bed 10:45pm, a good night
Newborn awakens, feed, my eyes heavy, but she goes back down easily
I briefly write and read Bible, close eyes, up 5 times in the night,
Amen.

a real mum

Sometimes being a mom is hard. Maybe lots of times. But, being a mom of a toddler and a newborn is a particular kind of hard. Having two beautiful wee ones that need so much can stretch you emotionally as well as physically. These stories will be mostly about the emotions I'm experiencing - joy, inadequacy, exhilaration, guilt, laughter, fear, comfort...